The Other Woman

   

I met them when I was young and together they were quite the power couple. She was very attractive and nurturing. She always talked about the importance of building meaningful relationships in the family, connecting with others in the community, and loving everyone unconditionally. The husband, on the other hand, talked about one thing, a personal relationship with heaven and loving people. He said the only way to live and love anyone came by the spirit of truth. It seemed they were not on the same page but time after time I heard them speak of their deep unconditional love for each other. He often looked into her eyes and said, “I’ll never let you down, never walk off and leave you.” Excited and bubbling over, she’d sing their favorite love song, he would join in, and then they would embrace and kiss. He could sing but his wife’s vocal performance had captivated me. At the time I did not realize it but I had given in to my own desires and fallen in lust with another man’s wife. So began my affair with the other woman.

Years passed. My wife and I were now married with a family and as newlyweds we counseled with them daily. Who’s the power couple I am referring to? I am talking about Jesus and his wife the church. This twosome always urged us and guided us along in obedience. We just loved being in their presence or could it be I loved being in her presence? Yes! The more I was around the church I fantasize on her beauty and became occupied with her bedroom eyes. Can you build a fire in your lap and not burn your pants? Can you walk barefoot on hot coals and not get blisters? It’s the same when you lust after your neighbor’s wife. Touch her and you will pay for it. Anytime and anywhere I seen the church I hugged her and she hugged me. Our anytime anywhere meetings also consisted of a smile and a soul-stirring gaze that left me pregnant with life! The church started sleeping in the same bed with me and my wife. I couldn’t get the church and her needs out of mind. I went to bed and woke up thinking about this woman!

Lust never quits! Like a woman delivering a baby, it will painfully deliver sin into your world and hurt into your family’s world. I started giving less attention and affection to my wife and children. My wife told me I was too involved with this married woman and I needed to spend more time with our family. I told my wife I loved her and only her. I assured her that the woman's husband was at all our meetings and as a leader I couldn’t forsake the required get-togethers. The meetings and excuses kept growing and I saw less of my family and less of the church’s husband, Jesus! Lust had me needing more of the church’s attention and less of my families love! Strangely, when around her husband the church didn't compliment me but as soon as he’d leave she would tell me how much she needed my gifts and talents. Around my wife and family she acted the same way! I felt off course in my life! I felt alive in a sense and dead at the same time. Something was right, something was wrong, and something had …changed.

Our relationship appeared dead-on until her husband Jesus came to my house and challenged me. I invited him into our living room. Standing he said, “Adultery is a brainless act, soul-destroying, self-destructive; expect a bloody nose, a black eye, and a reputation ruined for good. Nothing you say or pay will make it right; neither bribes nor reasons will satisfy the cheated husband.” I told him I hadn't slept with any woman since marrying my wife. He said, “You are right, but you sure are spending a lot of time lusting after my wife the church. The temptation to give in to evil came from you and only you. You have no one to blame but the seducing flare-up of your own lust. Your lust got pregnant and had a baby named sin! Sin grew up to an adult and became your killer.” He encouraged me to remove his spouse, the church, from my imagination and embrace his example of how to unconditionally love a wife and a family. He suggested that I take care of my wife and family and let him take care of his. He said I should practice keeping the image of my wife and family in me by spending more time discovering their daily needs. As I fell to my knees, crying and repenting, my wife and children ran into the room thanking Jesus for answering their prayers. Jesus reminded me of the day our families met and how that meeting changed all of our lives. My wife, my family, and Jesus forgave me, hugged me, and didn't bring it up again. I promised my wife and family I wouldn’t neglect them again and I forgave myself. So, my very dear friends don't get thrown off course thinking the church seduced me. My own lust seduced me!   

I Found Them...

When you found your wife did you find her with a child? Were you over confident or were you fearful of the new responsibility. Either way you had to be a ready-made father. How did you find your wife or how will you find her? Did you find her bitter? Did you find her scared and fearful? Does lust have you thinking about taking care of her sexual needs? The flesh had me thinking all kinds of wrong thoughts but my respect and fear of God kept me from disrespecting her. Yes the thought of sex did enter my mind and those heated kissing moments did not help. What questions are on your woman with child's scared list? My wife told me she feared having another child out of wedlock and the father disappearing. Her greatest fear was having another man come into her life and abuse her child. And you know there are multitudes of abusive stepfather stories out there to justify her feelings.

Is your single mother looking for someone to save her from having to play both parents? Did she want you to save her from the shame associated with being a single mother in this society? Does she desire you to save her from the shadows of her past relationships?

Listen who placed you down here on this earth to be the savior? Jesus' name means savior but it is not the meaning of yours. You can't rescue or bail this woman out! Your down here to walk in your God given purpose and to hopefully fulfill the promises God has made to your wife and to your covenant child. To many times we, as men, mix up the word savior and protector. A "savior" redeems or compensates for a lack of while a "protector" looks out for. When I found my single mother I came into the picture trying to compensate for her lack of a husband and compensate for her child's lack of a father. I was trying to be the savior of this family instead of learning to be the protector, husband, and initiator. I wanted to balance them and bring comfort to all the possible hurts they had experienced. I was wrong and so are you if you are taking this approach.

Relax and learn their story! Find out about their life moments and don't try to use their journey against them! Work on you and you will find them looking better!

Ms Gullible and Mr Immature

Beware of immature men and gullible mothers! He may look like a handsome prince or a knight in shining armor. And she is the damsel waiting for the someone to come and rescue her from all the men who ever hurt her. Does this sound like a real story or a fairy tale? It sounds like a fair tale to me!

Many immature men are stuck as boys and are not in a hurry to mature into manhood. They can't have meaningful and nurturing relationships with family and friends because many are still nursing at their mothers breast. They like to show their power and aggression but are not wise. The addition to your family should not step on others to serve his own needs but use his power to help, protect, and serve others. Let me just cut to the chase! Immature men are trying to conquer the womb of any women who is gullible enough to let them! Immature men (saved and unsaved) are thinking about power, money, and SEX! They are committing sexual driveby's, hit and runs and are not concerned about the victims and casualities left behind. They feel everyone should bow to their whims and serve them.  

Gullible single mothers are being deceived by the millions by these immature men. Why? Many single mothers are in need of money! They long for their family including a father and don't realize God the Father is right their asking them to come to him. The second most precious and sacred place God has given them is their womb and many don't even know it. It is not a place for every man to lay but a place to be given to her husband after marriage. Every unmarried women who is reading this post knows that as soon as she lets a man into her womb he loses all respect for her and moves to the next woman to conquer.

Some people would say avoid dating, marrying, and committing to Ms Gullible and Mr Immature but there are so many women and men who are gullible and immature it would be good to educate them about them.
Once you are in a friendship or relationship it is your duty to point out to them what they are doing! Let the truth  not only make you free but keep you free. Remember...beware!
  

The Buried Stuff

Are you keeping secrets or are you telling them? You say you are not hiding things, then are you bringing them into the open? The initial interview will take you both into deeper life shaking issues exposing both of your lives to each other. Life's earthquakes are those unexpected underground eruptions that we never come to understand. Life's shovel is the delibarate questions asked in the interview.

Anyone entering the extended, step, or covenant family should interview to expose their buried stuff regardless of the fear. Is this hard work? Yes it is! It will take planning, selflessness, many discussions, and time.

It is one thing to visually inspect the landscaping and be taken in by its beauty and strength. It is another thing to survey and dig up the ground to find out what character flaws are buried in it. It takes archaeological investigation to discover a find. The interview can lead to the discovery of spiritual and historical objects, ruins, cobwebs, and skeletons from the past! What secrets lie hidden in you and do you feel safe enough to bring them to the open?

Don't Be Impressed with Personal Charm; Look for Character!

You will know the tree by the fruit it bears!

First impressions count! Wrapping is important, whether we are considering a house, a product, or a person. We think what looks attractive or reliable from the outside must surely be on the inside. We judge books by their covers; we buy houses based on curb appeal and we take people at face value. And they do the same to us! None of this seems fair!

 People should judge by their inner values and beliefs, but it is often the first impression that decides whether someone will stick around long enough to reveal their wonderful qualities.First impressions get their strength from instinct and emotion, not on rational thought or investigation. Our gut feeling or suspicion can only be made true by asking the important questions! Guessing is an unstable way of thinking and don't be impressed with personal charm or deceived by the face change; look for character.

First impressions do count but what occurs when the wrapping changes on the outside and you experience a "first impression repeat"! A "first impression repeat" happens when a person does not examine why they like certain personalities. Faces change but you can still marry the wrong character. Don't be impressed with the beauty of the landscaping but find out what is good and bad beneath the ground! This is the best impression you can make.

INTERVIEWS Require...TIME and DEADLINES!

The interview process has to be deliberate and well thought out with the understanding that there are "time limits" per applicant. The "deadline" is the do-not-cross, don't touch, fall on, pass over, or go under marked imaginary boundary line.

My wife opened up my understanding to what a single mother feels concerning time and deadlines! She told me there is an internal clock on the inside of every woman ticking telling her she is running out of time so hurry up and choose somebody. This clock tickets louder for every child she delivers and for every year she gets older. The choice goes from choosing somebody to choosing anybody! Jane Austen said, "A lady's imagination is very rapid; it jumps from admiration to love, from love to marriage, in a moment!" This internal, "hurry up and get married" clock pushes her into a desperate mindset causing her to look pass the man's obvious immaturity and addictions to being happy she has a man.

Please don't be impressed with resumes and check references! Be deliberate when interviewing and let your interview deadline be 1 to 2years. This interview process will slow the internal clock down in mothers and will over time mature men.

The INTERVIEW (The Engagement)

Did you know the word "interview" is a combination of two words "inter" and "view"? "Inter" means "to put in the earth or bury" and "view" means "to see"! So the word means to actually see what is buried inside our earth! One of the best known ways to move dirt is with a shovel! Questions are the shovel that exposes the kind of character you are engaging with.

Why are you afraid to ask the hard questions? Question like, "Could you tell me about yourself?" or "What is your greatest weakness?" What about this one, "How do you think someone who knows you well would describe you?"

When you applied for your last job didn't the company ask you personal questions like these? Were they afraid to ask you those hard question? They didn't even care if the questions made you uncomfortable did they! Why? If they hired you you would not just be filling a job but you would be coming a part of that companies FAMILY! If companies see the importance of interviewing a potential employee why don't we see the importance of interviewing a potential addition to our family?

The Woman You Envisioned Plus...?

Is society speaking loud trying to change the image of the single mother in the minds of single men? I have heard it loud, mostly in men, saying, "Never marry a woman who already has a child or children! It will never work!" Joseph's picture of women was different then the men of his time. No doubt he wanted a woman who loved God and who was a virgin. His picture wasn't to start a family with just anyone. Joseph certainly heard the stories of women having babies out of wedlock. He possibly heard the stories of women wanting to divorce their husbands for bad treatment. He heard the stories of men divorcing themselves from their wives for both legitimate and ridiculous reasons!
Joseph wasn't a stepfather and he wasn't a adoptive father! I would like to coin a new name for today's men going into marriage with a single mother! They are "covenant fathers". When a "Covenant Father" is in pursuit of a marriage partner, or in today's cases, stirring, he must remember to keep himself in the right frame of mind. He can't be captivated by the picture of the woman's beauty that he neglect's the weightier matters of the heart and character. He should not take advantage of her God-given need for intimacy. Joseph, as a covenant father's, pursuit was for more than a beauty and a virgin. He wanted someone with a reputation with God and a reputation with man.
Covenant father how do you picture the woman you're married to or you're considering marrying? You may have pictured her like your mom cooking and taking care of the family. Joseph never thought about falling in love with someone who had the addition of a child or children. It was not something in his plans but God had plans and asked Joseph would he change his plans and embrace his divine plans.
It is your choice single man! Like Joseph you will face additions you did not consider. Heaven is looking for men who are willing to alter their plans! If you wish to marry a woman who is already with child, there must be some changes. God may be asking you to protect and unconditionally love the woman and her child. The addition to Mary was a child to save all humanity forever! What good will this woman of God and her child bring to society and what part do you envision playing!

The Woman You Envisioned Plus...?

Do men picture the type of woman they want to marry? Many men don't because they are many times focused on the physical body of the woman instead of her character. You probably are wondering what type of woman I pictured in my mind to tie the knot with? First I wanted a woman who had a personal relationship with God! I also wanted a wife like my mother! I always pictured my mother being fun and the best cook in the whole wide world. Yes she was the best cook in the world and if there are any disputers out there saying anything about this claim you can call me at...sorry! Let's get back to the post!!! As I was saying my mom was fun and yet she lovingly disciplined us. She helped us with everything about school and life including sports. She was quite the athlete! She was a singer, writer, poet, worshipper, and a woman of prayer. I believe, sometimes, men consciously or unconsciously imagine there mate to be like there mother. What picture occupies your thoughts? Is it the portrait of your mom or the portrait of your wife-to-be?

The Woman You Envisioned Plus...?

He who finds a wife finds what is good and receives favor from the Lord. Find a good spouse, you find a good life-and even more: the favor of God (Proverbs 18:22)! What is the mental picture of the woman that you are talking to, engaged to, or married to? Before Joseph even knew Mary he had a mental picture of the one he would marry possibly branded in him by his father's suggestions, his mother's model, societies thinking, the law of God, and/or his personal prayer time with God. It also could have been a combination of all of the above! Did I have a mental picture of the woman I wanted to marry inside my head? Yes I did! The words that created this image came from the mouth of my mother. Those words were, " Never marry a woman with children!" Why would she say those words to me when she married my father who had children from a previous marriage? Did she know what she was getting into when she decided to marry my father? Did she have a picture of the man she wanted to marry? Do you have a mental picture?

Who Were You Before You Met Them?

Are asking questions important for building healthy covenant family relationship? Yes it is important to ask questions and they can't just be shallow ones that most people would be willing to hear and answer! You know the questions like "What is your name?" Or "What do you like to eat?" Or "In what city were you born?" These questions do not give enough information about character to make an WISE DECISION! What is keeping you from spending time asking the hard questions to a man/ single mother that you feel you want to get to know better and even marry? Is it that you feel you are running out of time getting older and all your friends have gotten married but you? Is making the first impression  more important then making a lasting impression? Being honest in the shallow questions as well as the deep questions is all important as the relationship progresses. Here are some hard honest questions to ask:


1. What is the difference between a personal relationship with God and a church relationship with him?
2. When and how was the last time you told someone HONESTLY how you felt?
3. What would be harder for you, to tell someone you love them or that you do not love them back?
ASK THE QUESTIONS!!!

Are You Ready For This Responsibility?

Are you ready for this? God gave the family to the father to love, nurture, and protect but when the father decides to run away from his responsibility, you get an increase in single parenthood. This also causes an increase in divorce tagging the family disgraced or disfavored by society and in some circles God himself. When there is no father in the home, the children learn to do and be by the example of one parent. This does not mean single parents can't raise children to be successful in life, but a child also needs the strength and security modeled by a father. While a mother is waiting (serving the family, writing the family's history, and preparing herself and the family) for a man to find her it is important for her to ask these questions and be prepared to answer the same questions:

1. Where are you coming from? (Example: Where do you pay bills and live NOW and where have you been paying bills and living for the last 5 years)  2. What kind of goals do you have for your own personal growth? (Example: Spiritually,  educationally, occupationally(a job), physically, and relationally.) 3. What can you do for us and not just ME?

 Do children need just any father and does the mother need just any husband? No! They need a man called by God who will add and not take away the unconditional love, nurturing, and protection God gave long before he got there! Are you ready for this responsibility?

Add Don't Subtract!

In today's social climate, men don't have a good reputation with most women, especially single mothers. Men who don't know God as well as men who know God are not being faithful in marriage or in dating! We have created a sense of hopelessness in them but it is time to change that mindset one single-mother at a time!Adding to them means that we as men have to go to work, increase our communication skills, and be lifelong learners! Adding to them means that your intention is to marry the mother, get to know the history of that family, and prepare the child for his/her debut in life. Adding to them means that we will be the initiators of the good in them. No subtracting through calling them and their children out of their names! We have hurt a generation and now it is time to add unconditional love to their lives! Single man or married man, if you have hurt a single mother and her child, you need to go ask for forgiveness. It is time to change the social climate in and out of the church one single mother at a time!